Just a Taste

People will say that being a parent helps you see things from God's perspective. That the love you have for your child is a small taste of the love God has for us. If that's the case, I am broken at how God can love me.

Seriously, when I look at little Sarah Lynn Mercy I am full. She delights me, makes mornings the happiest thing since cheesecake, and entertains me endlessly. Her little fingers grab at my nose and I think I've won the lottery. This momma could go on and on about the ways my heart beats for this life.

You can't imagine that God could love you and feel for you the way you feel for your child. I'm so messed up, full of mistakes and junk that should push God away.

Truth: Despite all of that - God loves me.

And then it makes sense. When I look at Sarah, all I see is my love for her. When God looks at us, all He sees is Jesus' love covering our shame.

"He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." ~ Zephaniah 3:17

Tonight, I am thankful that God gave me a daughter so I could taste more of His love. May you know God's deep love for you tonight too, even if you don't have a precious peanut like I do to show you.

~Shelby

It's Like Watching the Ocean

The rise and fall.
Blues and purples ripple across a the surface.
Bubbles form and burst away with a soft gurgle.

Crushing blue.
It pierces your heart,
And reminds you of how small you are.

She's so tiny, fragile, moody even, this child God has placed in my care.
Sarah Lynn Mercy...
Her name is written on my heart, forever a daughter.

I've been to the beach countless times and it's one of my favorite places. The smells, the sounds and of course, the sight. A sunrise or sunset over the ocean is one of life's "must see" moments.

Tonight I was reading about creation out of "The Story" version of the Bible. All that God made and said was "good." But then, He made something in His Own Image: humans.

I get it.

There is a soul, emotions & heart behind those crushing blue eyes. The blues and purples along her forehead pump life, and the weight of this responsibility humbles me. She has been made in the image of God, and I get to watch her character, personality and God-given talents unfold before me.

This is way better than watching a sun set over the ocean.

~Shelby

Demanding Baby

Staring at Sarah again today, it hit me that I pretty much know every single thing about this girl. Spending every waking, (and for her sleeping!) moment together I've learned her facial expressions, how she likes to be held, talked to, and now what even makes her giggle. And, as I eat up another one of her adorable smiles I'm starting to realize how this is the foundation of a great relationship.

We are intimately acquainted, this little girl and me. (Doesn't get much more personal than changing diapers!) But I want to be as intentional with other people in my life as I have been with her.  Babies cry if they want your attention. They literally demand to be heard.  But my husband doesn't cry for my comfort when he's stressed.  I miss out on the details of my best friends' lives when we go for weeks without talking. And, while God is a constant in my life, if I'm honest, I often don't earnestly seek him unless I have a deep need.

Life and people are so important, and this type of deep relationship is so very special. It rewards you with smiles, hugs and the knowledge of truly "knowing" someone. It has reignited within me the desire to listen better to my friends, to know my husband's heart and to pursue God the way I pursue my daughter.

I'm learning the truth that even though we grow up and don't demand attention like we did when we were babies, we still crave it just as much. I long to be loved and truly known.

So I'm starting to see how I have a special job to deeply love and know those in my life. Not just Sarah Lynn, but God...Silas...my family...my sweet friends...and if I'd open my eyes, I know there are people right in front of me crying, just like babies, for love. I want to see them, adore them and show them the unconditional love I have in Christ.

~ Shelby

Playing House

Like many little girls, I grew up playing with baby dolls and pretending to be a mommy.  From just about the time I was a baby, I've wanted a baby. And, since before I even imagined myself married, I envisioned being a mom. (Sorry Silas!)

And now, it's happened.

I intimately know the ways she likes to be held, comforted, and what her cries mean. Even after waking up three times at night, I'm still excited for the morning, to cuddle with her and spend the day together. Fully and completely I am a momma, and Sarah Lynn Mercy is my baby. 

Sometimes I will look at her smiling and cooing up at me in disbelief. It's hard to believe she is actually here, not just because I wanted her so badly, but because I've been dreaming of this for as long as I can remember. And today I realized that I feel more fulfilled right now as a mother than I really ever have doing anything else. Changing diapers, feeding her, snuggling, singing and talking to her feels so natural. All those years of pretend are finally paying off!

I think the lie that could mess me up right now, is that this earthly fulfillment is somehow wrong.  Like shouldn't I find my greatest fulfillment in God alone? But, I think enjoying Sarah and being her mom is spiritual. The truth is that teaching her, praying with her and trying to love her the way Jesus loves me is connecting me to God. And for now, that is enough. 

Having a child simplifies things.  So, today I simply accept the joy & fulfillment of being Sarah Lynn's mom.  

~ Shelby

Two Weeks

We've had our baby girl to hold, cuddle and love on for two weeks now. People want to know how you feel after you have your first child,  and if I could write a song, a poem or choreograph a dance to show you, it still wouldn't be enough.

Still, this new wave of love threatens to overwhelm me with both happy thoughts and huge fears.

"What if we lost her?"

That question has swirled in and out of my mind these last two weeks as I watch her sleep, kiss her face and start to learn about this new soul. It could cripple me, that fear. And truly, the reality is, we could lose her at any moment. It takes my breath away to remember that the Sarah she was named after...died at only 15. What if that happens to my Sarah?

And then, the peace that passes all understanding reminds me of this truth...

"You have had 14 days with a child you thought you might not ever have."

In God's great mercy He gave us this Princess of Mercy - Sarah Lynn Mercy. I have had more days with her today, than I ever dreamed possible. My heart is so full of gratitude to God for giving her to us, if only for these days.

I'm learning that this attitude of a heart that is genuinely grateful will live in peace.  If I can wake and be thankful for this moment, this day with our girl, I can savor it, and I can remove the fear of tomorrow, because I'm living for today.

No, it's not easy, I can't say the fear doesn't overwhelm me at times, but I want to live this way, to believe the truth that being grateful really can free me from this fear, and can allow me to entrust Sarah to God.

So in this moment, as I watch her sleep I say a prayer of thankfulness to God for this day, and the past 14 He has given us. What a gift.

~ Shelby

The Other Shoe

There's this lie that has decided to worm it's way into my head, probably into yours too.

"Just wait - things are too good right now. It won't last.
Don't get too happy, because you'll lose everything sooner or later.
Better prepare yourself now for the heartache that is bound to come."

Wow, talk about a joy killer! That's exactly what it is too.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy"
~John 10:10

It's so odd how I can know in my mind that this hesitation, this fear that the other shoe is bound to drop at some point is a lie. But, I let it have a hold. I have chosen to let it tie me down. When really, I'd like to skip through the streets yelling, "I'm gonna have a baby girl, she's gonna be beautiful and my handsome husband and I are gonna be parents!!!!!!"

I don't want to feel guilty about being happy, or excited, but this lie tells me to stay timid and meek. That if I get too excited I might lose it all. It's funny how I think that by keeping my joy at bay I could somehow stave off pain or loss.

No, the truth is
"Jesus came so that you would have life, and have it to the full."
~John 10:10

That means today, tomorrow and Wednesday when I meet this new little life, I can drink it in fully. Living completely alive and in the moment I can weep for joy, grin from ear to ear, post annoying pictures on facebook and tell the world about this precious gift we've been given.

So goodbye fear and anxiety, I'm not having you. I choose LIFE.
And even if the other shoe drops, I have a truth to sustain me:
"The people I love are safer in God's hands than in my own."
~Shelby

Waiting for baby...

Makes Me Cry Every Time

Call it pregnancy, being a woman...or perhaps becoming a momma. Whatever it is, there are songs right now that bring me to tears, no wait - weeping. Yes, I break down and weep when I hear these. And I caught myself turning the song off the other day, because I thought

"This is ridiculous, no more crying!" 

But, if I have learned anything, it's that emotions are there for a reason. So these tears, they have a purpose, they express something deep within, and sometimes just the simple act of letting them fall is all I need to do to communicate:
~ deep, intense gratitude to God for bringing me & Silas this far
~ joy at the life growing inside
~ calm and peace knowing I am safe
~ thankfulness that I have been freed from lies
~ an overwhelming sense of responsibility as a wife, and new mother
~ desire to love my family with all of me
~ oh, and all those other emotions that are lingering beneath the surface right before you become a mom: terror, excitement, fear, anxiety, happiness, impatience and much more!

(Click here if video of "Not for a Moment" does not display)

That's why I love music & dance, it expresses things I can't. And I'm pretty sure this, or the song below will be the next dance I choreograph...once this little basketball isn't hanging on to the front of me!

I hope you take the short time to listen to these songs, and if tears come, let them. Allow the emotions they bring to wash over you - to express the unsaid words of your heart.